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"Re: William, You're Mortgage Applicat1on"

  • February 01 2004, 1:00am EST

This is the story of Rev. D. Ben Chikezie, the chairman of the Economic Recovery Committee (ERC) created by the present civilian government of Nigeria to review economic policies of government establishments and determine ways to reduce waste and maximize revenues allocated to them. In the course of his work at the ERC, he discovered a fund that resulted from gross revaluation of contracts by top government officials of the Nigeria National Petroleum Corporation (NNPC). The company that executed the contracts had been duly paid and the contracts commissioned, leaving the sum of $25.2 million (USD) unclaimed in the reserve account of the Nigeria government.

Chikezie was thrilled because the previous day had been a painful day for him. Every time he looked at his mail or answered his phone, he received another demand for payment from his creditors. Additionally, he was paying the highest interest rates, fees and penalties!

Chikezie clicked away his debt and booked a flight to Fort Lauderdale. He had to book the flight immediately to get the best fare and the best seat while the great deals were still available.

In Ft. Lauderdale, Chikezie began searching for a mate online but quickly grew tired of cyber-duds; he wanted to meet real people! He was tired of sifting through thousands of profiles and not finding anyone who met his standards, so he let Romance Pros solve this problem! Romance Pros found a Christian woman who wanted to meet him.

Chikezie bought a house but soon thereafter refinanced his mortgage because rates were still near historic lows and experts expected them to rise in coming months. This was the perfect time to use his home's added value to get some extra money for holiday expenses or income tax payments. He took advantage of a streamlined process to take cash out of his home.

Chikezie got the cheapest long distance for his house and decorated it with fine art he researched using the world's most exhaustive and accurate art auction and art information data banks. He also rejoiced with tens of thousands of people when their heavy, dirty, bag-changing vacuum cleaners became a thing of the past.

He bought a car with a 0-percent auto loan despite having no credit. He boosted his car's gas mileage by 28 percent with a revolutionary device that helps fuel burn better using three patented processes.

As his money supply shortened, Chikezie wanted to take up a profession and earn a salary, but the good jobs required a degree. Fortunately, academic qualifications were available from prestigious non-accredited universities. He didn't want to get turned down time and time again for the job of his dreams because he just didn't have the right letters after his name, so he got the prestige that he deserved that day from one of the aforementioned universitites –­ a Bachelors, Masters and Ph.D. in engineering without examinations classes or textbooks.

However, Chikezie delayed his profession to be America's next reality TV star. Then, he joined the more than 100,000 people who earn a regular income on eBay once he learned the secrets to success that have been released to select individuals who have what it takes to obtain financial freedom.

When children came along, he needed to buy them Christmas gifts, so he bought the #1 holiday toy of 2003.

As he got older, he realized that age was getting the better of him and he needed a more youthful appearance. He acquired plump, healthy, gorgeous lips ­– the same lips used by men and women in 62 countries and recommended by plastic surgeons, celebrities and movie stars. He increased his self-esteem and lips at the same time. He felt 100 years younger!

His sure stock picks kept him financially secure in his advanced years. He simply applied the free advice offered in daily major breaking stock news alerts. And he managed his finances in the Christian way.

I'm sure most of you recognize the events in this column ­ we've all seen them in our e-mail. Estimates suggest that one of every three e-mails today is spam ­ unsolicited e-mail pushing a point without the recipient's direct consent or a preexisting business relationship.

Spammers continue to fight for the right to send us e- mail regardless of whether we've opted out either specifically or generally. It seems to me that the spammers are getting the ends and the means mixed up. Why would they want to send their message to someone who would ask not to receive it? Studies show the "upside" is a turn-off (or magazine column fodder), not return on investment (ROI). Spammers are fighting for the right to annoy and pester us and ruin their reputation (which usually doesn't amount to much anyway). I thought marketing was about sales results, not the number of people who see a message –­ especially people who don't want to see it.

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