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One More Time

Published
  • July 01 2005, 1:00am EDT

Okay ... I can't resist one more Carnac the Magnificent column (per the late great Johnny Carson). We continue to obtain insight from the mysterious visitor from the East, who answers questions without ever having seen them. Carnac helps us analyze information that has been hermetically sealed in a mayonnaise jar on Funk & Wagnall's porch since noon today (in other words, not very long). No one, but no one knows the contents. Once again, let's give it up for Carnac!

Carnac: May a crazed Elliott Spitzer find ethical missteps with the way your company has handled accounting for travel and "entertainment."
    
    A. RFID
    Q. How do you identify your dog?

    A. Sarbox
    Q. What do they put a czar's body in when he dies?

    A. Hedge fund
    Q. What do you call it when you save money for landscaping your yard?

    A. Feedback
    Q. How do you describe a cow chewing its cud?

    A. Audit partner
    Q. What's the definition of an oxymoron?

    A. Bond market
    Q. What do you call it when your son sells Elmer's glue instead of lemonade out by the curb?

    A. Trade deficit
    Q. What do you call the amount outstanding on my Visa bill?

    A. Market share
    Q. What do you call it when you and your spouse split the grocery errands?

Carnac:  May your stock price crash to an all-time low as a result of your CFO addressing the degrading performance your company experienced last quarter by saying, "If you don't like it, invest in something else!"

    A. Chain of command
    Q. What did they call the handcuffs used by the British to subdue Napoleon when exiled to St. Helena?

    A. Wrap it up
    Q. What did Dennis Kozlowski say when his trial for cheating Tyco out of millions of dollars went on and on?

    A. Basel
    Q. What do you call a sweet herb used for fragrance and as a seasoning for food?

    A. Market cap
    Q. What does your grandmother wear on her head when she goes to the grocery store?

    A. Key lime pie
    Q. What do you call a really big green irrational number that represents the ratio of the circumference of a circle to its diameter?

    A. Quicken
    Q. What do you do to your pace when you have to go to the bathroom?

    A. Stock exchange
    Q. What do you call it when a farmer trades two cows for another farmer's three horses?

    A. Whistleblower
    Q. How do you describe your son's hyperactive soccer coach?
    
    A. Stock options
    Q. Hmm ... let's see, what do I want? 40 pigs, 20 goats or 10 horses?

Carnac: May an unscrupulous comedian make fun of your Midwestern agrarian heritage.

    A. Spyware
    Q. What describes the line of clothing James Bond wears?

    A. Private equity
    Q. What's the result of the sequestering of a jury?

    A. Foreign exchange
    Q. What do you trade four "M's" for in Scrabble?

    A. Amortization
    Q. What do you call falling in love?

    A. Artificial intelligence
    Q. What information did President Bush have about Iraq's weapons of mass destruction?

    A. High definition
    Q. What do you call a dictionary on Mount Everest?

    A. Deposit
    Q. What does de husband do with de remote to stop de action temporarily in de movie?

    A. Shot clock
    Q. What do you call the countdown until un-contaminated flu vaccine will be available?

    A. Gobble, gobble
    Q. What was Larry Ellison overheard saying when asked about Oracle's potential acquisition of Siebel, which closely followed Oracle's acquisition of PeopleSoft?

    A. Halftime
    Q. How much work does a manager get out of a Gen X-er when he/she comes in to work hung over?

    A. Lance Armstrong
    Q. What do you have to do to test a bodybuilder for diabetes?

    A. Physiology
    Q. What do you call the study of denture cleaners?

    A. Napa valley
    Q. What do you call a toddler's time spent awake?

    A. Ubiquity
    Q. What do you call it when all people have writing utensils?

    A. Offline
    Q. What does a linesman call in a tennis match when the player has a near miss on her serve?  

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