Once more, here is DMRnac the Magnificent, who will divine answers to questions that have been hermetically sealed in a spaghetti sauce jar on Merriam-Webster's front porch since 12:18 p.m. No one, and I mean no one, knows the contents of these envelopes, yet DMRnac will divine the questions in his inimitable style. You don't believe me ... right? Well, here goes ...
Q. What do you do when you dust the furniture?
A. Stock market
Q. What do ranchers hope to accomplish by branding their cattle?
A. The price of gas
Q. What do you call getting an ulcer as a result of repeated heartburn?
A. Next to nothing
Q. What perks do you receive on airlines these days?
Q. What do you call Santa's elves?
May a frustrated, procrastinating Santa run over you with his sleigh!
A. Walk in the park
Q. What do you call a stir-fry picnic?
A. Soap opera
Q. How do you describe singing in the shower?
Q. What do you need to do when you find a rip in your suit?
Q. If Jay Leno had designed a car, what would it be called?
Q. What do I do if I come upon you slumped on the sidewalk (like a speed bump)?
A. Chili powder
Q. What do you call makeup foundation that has been kept in the freezer?
May Rudolph, who has just discovered that it's a severe stomach ailment causing his nose to be red, drop his version of a gift on your roof!
Q. How do you describe what Tyco's Dennis Kowlowski did that landed him in jail?
Q. With what speed do some companies respond to the SEC's "informal" request for information?
A. Small fortune
Q. What is the amount of money ($40 million) Bill Gates donated to Lakeside School in Seattle, Washington, from which he graduated in 1973, saying, "Thanks for my education?"
Q. What do you get after the restaurant waiter drops the tray containing your (very expensive) dinner?
Q. How many people can fit in a Porsche Carrera?
Q. Besides coughing, what else are you suffering from when you get a cold?
A. Six degrees of separation
Q. What is the difference between 72 degrees and 78 degrees?
Q. What do I do to get ready for an out-of-town trip?
May TiVo magically erase the holiday football game in which your favorite team played before you can watch it commercial free!
Q. Where does your college-aged son go with his friends to watch yet another football game?
A. (Jake) Plummer
Q. Who does Jake Delhomme call when he has a broken water pipe?
A. San Diego Chargers
Q. What do you call people who use their credit cards at the Hotel del Coronado?
A. Byron Leftwich
Q. What did Byron do when he abandoned his McDonald's quarter pounder with cheese?
A. Peerless Price
Q. What do you call Wal-Mart's rollback cost program?
A. Michael Vick's
Q. Whose VapoRub do the Atlanta Falcon players want to use when they get a stuffed-up nose?
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