DMRnac the Magnificent is alive and well and eager to approach the New Year! He will divine answers to amazingly eclectic questions that have been hermetically sealed in a jelly jar on Funk and Wagnall's front porch since noon today (give or take an hour). No one, and I mean no one, knows the contents of these envelopes, yet DMRnac will divine, in his inimitable style, the questions. By now you probably know what's coming ...
A. Energy failure
Q. What happens when you get a decaf at Starbucks?
Q. What do call the guy who fixes your bicycle?
Q. What do you get after a heated argument with your boss?
Q. What do you call it when the defensive line of the Denver Broncos upends a referee?
A. Office politics
Q. What do Cheney and Bush wish they had less of?
May you experience sacroiliac joint dysfunction as a result of lumbar disc herniation! (Keep in mind that DMRnac is not a medical professional but desires inflicting significant pain if you don't laugh at his jokes!)
A. Social engineering
Q. What do you call setting up two of your friends on a blind date?
A. Software as a service
Q. What do you call ordering Victoria's Secret delivered to your hotel room?
A. The Notre Dame Cathedral, the Hearst Castle, and the White House
Q. Name three buildings smaller than the home David Duffield (founder of PeopleSoft) is seeking permission to build in California (at 72,000 square feet).
A. Dr. Phil and Dr. Ruth
Q. What is a paradox?
A. Lady fingers, chicken fingers, and a bowl of Wendy's chili
Q. What are three finger foods?
May a crazed proctologist be in charge of your next colonoscopy! (As an aside, can't you just imagine an Ed McMahon reacting to this one?)
Q. If Roger Penske endorsed a soft drink, what would it be called?
Q. If Sarah Jessica Parker endorsed a soft drink, what would it be called?
A. Executive suites
Q. What do you call Enron's Andy and Lea Fastow (or Enron's Jeffrey Skilling and Rebecca Carter, for that matter)?"
Q. What do I do when the piece of furniture I am trying to move gets too heavy?
Q. What do you do with her boat at the end of the day?
Q. What does Jennifer Lopez pay for her coffee with?
Q. What did George Benson ask Al Jarreau after Al sang Dave Brubeck's "Take Five"?
Q. When Mom watches Barney and Friends on TV with the kids, how does she feel?
May your cholesterol go up despite giving up all your favorite foods like French Fries, cheese and eggs!
A. Investment in China
Q. What happens when you buy dishes at Pottery Barn or Mikasa?
Q. What's the output from PowerPoint?
A. L. A. Clippers
Q. What do you call hair salons and barber shops in the City of Angels?
A. Phoenix Suns
Q. What did father John Lee Bottom call his actor offspring Joaquin and River? (Admittedly you have to think about this one!)
Q. What were the Beatles avoiding when they didn't expand their group to five?
A. Peer to peer
Q. How do boats move within a marina?
Editor's note: After many years as a treasured DM Review columnist, this is Susan's last monthly column in DM Review. We sincerely thank her for her contributions.
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