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Carnac Revisited

Published
  • May 01 2005, 1:00am EDT

To pay homage to the late great Johnny Carson, please welcome that mysterious visitor from the East - seer, sage, soothsayer - Carnac the Magnificent, who will ascertain in his divine and mystical way the answers to your questions without ever having seen them. He has, in his hand, envelopes, which have been hermetically sealed in a mayonnaise jar since noon today on Funk & Wagnalls porch. No one but one knows the contents. Are you ready?

Carnac: May a data-starved analyst destroy 1,000 tuples in your customer database.


A: Mac mini
Q: What do you get with fries mini and a Coke mini?

A: Pivot table
Q: What do the movers do before carrying your kitchen table through the doorway?

A: OLAP
Q: What comes after MLAP and NLAP?

A: Outlier
Q: What do you say to remove someone who stretches the truth from the premises?

A: Google
Q: What does a Ghostbuster say when he wants to slime a sea bird?

A: Dashboard
Q: What do you slam your head against when you see a red light in your rearview mirror while participating in a conference call using your cell     phone?

A: Magic Quadrant
Q: What does Magic Johnson call the muscle on the front of his thigh?

A: Outsource
Q: What would you like to do with your disobedient teenager?

A: Bluetooth
Q: What do you get after drinking blueberry wine?


Carnac: May a crazed Eliott Spitzer call you on your cell phone while you are receiving an award for good citizenship.


A: Wireless
Q: What benefit do you reap when you no longer have to fund your son's college education?

A: Hype cycle
Q: What do you call your habit of repeatedly frequenting Starbucks?

A: Centrino
Q: What do you call a penny in Italian?

A: Database
Q: What advice would you give a young woman who wants to go out with multiple military personnel?

A: Web services
Q: What does a spider call his plumber for?

A: Out-of-the-box
Q: What should a famous fast food chain do to release Jack?

A: SOAP interface
Q: What causes your eyes to water in the shower?

A: IT
Q: What does a golfer say to begin his/her round of golf?

A: SOX
Q: What keeps your feet warm while you're working overtime to comply with financial regulations?


Carnac: May a particularly vicious, infectious virus infect your computer.

A: ERP
Q: What did Craig Conway do in response to his firing by the PeopleSoft board of directors?

A: Software
Q: What do you want your husband to give you from Victoria's Secret?

A: Meta Group
Q: What did Bill Inmon say when he encountered several data warehouse implementers at his last speaking engagement?

A: Disaster recovery
Q: What does Larry Ellison need to do as a result of Oracle's acquisition of PeopleSoft?

A: Broadband
Q: What should broads do to get together?

A: Identity theft
Q: What did Martha Stewart wish she had done prior to entering prison?

A: Networking
Q: What does a setter do in volleyball?

A: Semiconductor
Q: What do you call an inexperienced bandleader?

A: Downcycle
Q: What happens when Lance Armstrong encounters a patch of oil on the course?

A: Windows 2000
Q: What does it take to cover the openings in the Sears Tower?

A: Biometric
Q: What do you call your cholesterol level, blood pressure, etc.?

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