Do executive teams use Twitter and text messages to communicate? If they did, here might be an executive team’s exchange of tweets as their quarterly financial results are about to be reported.
CEO: @CFObeancounter DollarDude. How’d we do 3rd qtr?
CFO: @CEObigchief Bad. Missed sales & profit $$$ targets. Profits ½ of $$$ plan.
CEO: @CFObeancounter No way. Cant be tru. Y?
CFO: @CEObigchief Ask the Huntr.
CEO: @SalesVPbagger DollarDude says we missd $$$ targts, Top line. Bottm line 2. Y?
SalesVP: @CEObigchief Beats me. All KPIs above plan. Nice bonuses. Party!!
CEO: @CFObeancounter Huntr says he beat all hz KPIs. You lyin 2 me?
CFO: @CEObigchief Huntr’s KPIs are bogus. He’s gaming the systm. Had lots of sales calls. Few sales. Bad targeted accts.
CEO: @SalesVPbagger DollarDude sez lots of crummy sales calls. Bad accts. Tru?
SalesVP: @CEObigchief DollarDude should stick to counting the beans. We made 98% $$$ sales targt.
CEO: @CFObeancounter Huntr says hit 98% $$$ sales targts. Y profits ½ of $$$ plan?
CFO: @CEObigchief In the mix.
CEO: @CFObeancounter Huh?!!
CFO: @CEObigchief Huntr sold mostly lo profit margin stuf. I think.
CEO: @CFObeancounter You think?! Wuts the facts?
CFO: @CEObigchief Our cost allocations overweight the ez stuff. Underweight the tuff stuff. Tuff stuff then looks profitable. It ain’t. A mirage. Litl profit. Mayb losses. We sold a lot of tuff stuf last qtr at littl profit.
CEO: @CFObeancounter You lobbyin for that activity based costing u want? That ABC thing?
CFO: @CEObigchief All our $$$ profit margins are distorted w/o ABC. We need reality, not broad averages.
CEO: @CFObeancounter What about our cost performance last qtr?
CFO: @CEObigchief Opns missed his productivity plan agin. We need cost facts and visibility!
CEO: @OpnsVP Bigboy. DollarDude sez yu missed cost reductions. Y?
OpnsVP: @CEObigchief DollarDude’s mis-focused. Didnt give us enuf budget to do it.
CEO: @CFObeancounter Bigboy sez no $$$ 4 projects to cut his ops cost $$$.
CFO: @CEObigchief Yup. U x’d out his budget $$$ to hit HQ’s budget profit $$$ goal.
CEO: @OpnsVP Oops. My fault. Forgot u needed to spend $$$ to cut cost $$$. What now?
OpnsVP: @CEObigchief We need better KPIs. My folks track OT hours. Keepin em lo. Our folks leave work early. Go fishn. Missed ship due dates. Some customers now leavin’ us.
CEO: @CFObeancounter Bigboy sez KPIs drive bad behavior. Poor srvc. Losing customers.
CFO: @CEObigchief We need a strategy map, then KPIs from it.
CEO: @CFObeancounter Strategy maps are kids stuf. Me with crayons? No way.
CFO: @OpnsVP Chief sez u want new KPIs. Like what?
OpnsVP: @CFObeancounter Like any mezr that links my opns to his strategic objectives?
CFO: @OpnsVP Chief duznt like strategy map. Mayb we should draw one for him.
OpnsVP: @SalesVPbagger DollarDude sez we should draw Chief’s strategy map. Agree. But DollarDude should measure customer profitability. Your Customer Uno is killin me.
SalesVP: @OpnsVP What u mean? Customer Uno is my big meal ticket.
OpnsVP: @SalesVP Customer Uno jerks our schedules, always ordrs specials, hi tech support, always returns stuf. I think we lose $$$ profit with em !!!!
SalesVP: @OpnsVP U mayb right? Should we measure $$$ profit for all customers?
OpnsVP: @CFObeancounter Huntr is cummin around to u measuring $$$ profit by customer. Can u? Then sales bonuses could focus on our hi profit margin $$$ stuf and on bettr more profitable types of customers.
CFO: @OpnsVP But I’m not sure what our stuff’s $$$ profit margins are. I need ABC costing. Also need ABC for customer profit $$$ math. That $$$ spend is below the product $$$ gross margin line . Costs of distn, channels, selling, and cust svc.
OpnsVP: @CMOadman Scope. DollarDude is scaring me. Thinks u might be targeting unprofitable customers. How do u target new sales prospects?
CMO: @OpnsVP Simple. Spray-and-pray advertising. If they have a heartbeat, we chase em. Grow mkt share at any cost. More butts-in-seats at my mrktg events = big $$$ bonus for me.
OpnsVP: @CMOadman Wut if those butts-in-seats nvr buy our stuf? U still get bonus?
CMO: @OpnsVP Yup. Big bonus for hi #s of webhits to our URL 2. Lately lots of kiddies web traffic. They can buy our stuff when parents give em an allowance.
OpnsVP: @CEObigchief DollarDude and Huntr think we need ABC costing to measure our true $$$ profit of stuff, services & customers. I want KPIs that make more cents (ha! get my joke?).
CEO: @OpnsVP Wut does Scope think?
OpnsVP: @CEObigchief Scope wants no part of DollarDude’s ABC. Makes xtra work to targt more valuabl prospects. He’s chasing wrong markt. Likes his # of butt-in-seats and web-hit KPIs regardless who they r.
To: Sales, Marketing, Operations and Accounting
From: Office of the CEO
Subject: Third Quarter Financial Results
We missed our third quarter sales and profit targets. Profits were 50 percent of target. Why? We don’t know where we make or lose money. We don’t know which types of customers and sales prospects to retain, grow, win back or acquire. We don’t know how much to optimally spend retaining, growing, winning-back or acquiring each type of customer micro-segment. We measure the wrong things.
I’m taking a vacation. You all figure out how to fix this.