Do executive teams use Twitter and text messages to communicate? If they did, here might be an executive team’s exchange of tweets as their quarterly financial results are about to be reported.

CEO: @CFObeancounter – DollarDude. How’d we do 3rd qtr?
CFO: @CEObigchief – Bad. Missed sales & profit $$$ targets. Profits ½ of $$$ plan.
CEO: @CFObeancounter – No way. Cant be tru. Y?
CFO: @CEObigchief – Ask the Huntr.
CEO: @SalesVPbagger – DollarDude says we missd $$$ targts, Top line. Bottm line 2. Y?
SalesVP: @CEObigchief – Beats me. All KPIs above plan. Nice bonuses. Party!!
CEO: @CFObeancounter – Huntr says he beat all hz KPIs. You lyin 2 me?
CFO: @CEObigchief – Huntr’s KPIs are bogus. He’s gaming the systm. Had lots of sales calls. Few sales. Bad targeted accts.
CEO: @SalesVPbagger – DollarDude sez lots of crummy sales calls. Bad accts. Tru?
SalesVP: @CEObigchief – DollarDude should stick to counting the beans. We made 98% $$$ sales targt.
CEO: @CFObeancounter – Huntr says hit 98% $$$ sales targts. Y profits ½ of $$$ plan?
CFO: @CEObigchief – In the mix.
CEO: @CFObeancounter – Huh?!!
CFO: @CEObigchief – Huntr sold mostly lo profit margin stuf. I think.
CEO: @CFObeancounter – You think?! Wuts the facts?
CFO: @CEObigchief – Our cost allocations overweight the ez stuff. Underweight the tuff stuff. Tuff stuff then looks profitable. It ain’t. A mirage. Litl profit. Mayb losses. We sold a lot of tuff stuf last qtr at littl profit.
CEO: @CFObeancounter – You lobbyin for that activity based costing u want? That ABC thing?
CFO: @CEObigchief – All our $$$ profit margins are distorted w/o ABC. We need reality, not broad averages.
CEO: @CFObeancounter – What about our cost performance last qtr?
CFO: @CEObigchief – Opns missed his productivity plan … agin. We need cost facts and visibility!
CEO: @OpnsVP – Bigboy. DollarDude sez yu missed cost reductions. Y?
OpnsVP: @CEObigchief – DollarDude’s mis-focused. Didnt give us enuf budget to do it.
CEO: @CFObeancounter – Bigboy sez no $$$ 4 projects to cut his ops cost $$$.
CFO: @CEObigchief – Yup. U x’d out his budget $$$ to hit HQ’s budget profit $$$ goal.
CEO: @OpnsVP – Oops. My fault. Forgot u needed to spend $$$ to cut cost $$$. What now?
OpnsVP: @CEObigchief – We need better KPIs. My folks track OT hours. Keepin em lo. Our folks leave work early. Go fishn. Missed ship due dates. Some customers now leavin’ us.
CEO: @CFObeancounter – Bigboy sez KPIs drive bad behavior. Poor srvc. Losing customers.
CFO: @CEObigchief – We need a strategy map, then KPIs from it.
CEO: @CFObeancounter – Strategy maps are kids stuf. Me with crayons? No way.
CFO: @OpnsVP – Chief sez u want new KPIs. Like what?
OpnsVP: @CFObeancounter – Like any mezr that links my opns to his strategic objectives?
CFO: @OpnsVP – Chief duznt like strategy map. Mayb we should draw one for him.
OpnsVP: @SalesVPbagger – DollarDude sez we should draw Chief’s strategy map. Agree. But DollarDude should measure customer profitability. Your Customer Uno is killin me.
SalesVP: @OpnsVP – What u mean? Customer Uno is my big meal ticket.
OpnsVP: @SalesVP – Customer Uno jerks our schedules, always ordrs specials, hi tech support, always returns stuf. I think we lose $$$ profit with em !!!!
SalesVP: @OpnsVP – U mayb right? Should we measure $$$ profit for all customers?
OpnsVP: @CFObeancounter – Huntr is cummin around to u measuring $$$ profit by customer. Can u? Then sales bonuses could focus on our hi profit margin $$$ stuf and on bettr more profitable types of customers.
CFO: @OpnsVP – But I’m not sure what our stuff’s $$$ profit margins are. I need ABC costing. Also need ABC for customer profit $$$ math. That $$$ spend is below the product $$$ gross margin line …. Costs of distn, channels, selling, and cust svc.
OpnsVP: @CMOadman – Scope. DollarDude is scaring me. Thinks u might be targeting unprofitable customers. How do u target new sales prospects?
CMO: @OpnsVP – Simple. Spray-and-pray advertising. If they have a heartbeat, we chase em. Grow mkt share at any cost. More butts-in-seats at my mrktg events = big $$$ bonus for me.
OpnsVP: @CMOadman – Wut if those butts-in-seats nvr buy our stuf? U still get bonus?
CMO: @OpnsVP – Yup. Big bonus for hi #s of webhits to our URL 2. Lately lots of kiddies web traffic. They can buy our stuff when parents give em an allowance.
OpnsVP: @CEObigchief – DollarDude and Huntr think we need ABC costing to measure our true $$$ profit of stuff, services & customers. I want KPIs that make more cents (ha! get my joke?).
CEO: @OpnsVP – Wut does Scope think?
OpnsVP: @CEObigchief – Scope wants no part of DollarDude’s ABC. Makes xtra work to targt more valuabl prospects. He’s chasing wrong markt. Likes his # of butt-in-seats and web-hit KPIs … regardless who they r.

To: Sales, Marketing, Operations and Accounting
From: Office of the CEO
Subject: Third Quarter Financial Results

We missed our third quarter sales and profit targets. Profits were 50 percent of target. Why? We don’t know where we make or lose money. We don’t know which types of customers and sales prospects to retain, grow, win back or acquire. We don’t know how much to optimally spend retaining, growing, winning-back or acquiring each type of customer micro-segment. We measure the wrong things.

I’m taking a vacation. You all figure out how to fix this.

Big Chief

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